Day 53

What was my last post about? I think something about focusing on the future and taking control. Maybe I should have checked before starting to write this down. Pretty sure it was something about calming down. Regardless, let me fill you in. Definitely didn’t happen last time I wrote that. What happened instead, was a huge blowup and sobbing meltdown over the phone to my dad. For the second time this past week. He hang up feeling quite satisfied that I ‘opened’ up and I hang up with the most rage and hopelessness I’ve felt in a while. It’s like I say blue and he hears red. And that’s, honestly something that I’ve realised for a while now. My parents will never know or understand me. No matter what their intentions are, which is incidentally my dad’s favourite word by the way. As long as he has good intentions and wants the best for me, how his words make me feel have no importance. And how dare I question his intentions. Because, God forbid, he understands the concept that his words and actions can actually hurt someone he loves and this person might react accordingly. In my case, there is so much piled up over the last twenty to thirty years that when you combine all that with my exceptional lack of skills in communication and extraordinary ability to bottle it all up, that maybe he does have no idea how I’ve felt this whole time. Considering we lived in the same house for nineteen years though, it should not be a total surprise.

I moved out of the country to study at 19 and specifically asked that they did not come with me to help, you know, buy all the extra stuff for the dorm and check that everything works. I think I was very eager to show them I did not need them. I wanted them to feel as indispensable as they made me feel. My sister came with me. She is the boujiest person on the planet so all she did the first couple of days was make sure I bought the most expensive double duvet, pillows, plates and cutlery and then, I think the only other time I saw her was when I brought her M&S salad and snacks to her friends she was crashing at before she left for the airport. I, do still have that duvet though and it is amazing, I have to admit.

Back to the wonderful phone calls I shared with my dad, they were both on days that I had decided to move to the beach house, where he is most of the time. That house I just feel doesn’t have all the negative energy and memories this one does and is close to nature and beaches so I can actually try and leave the house sometimes. The only disadvantage is that it is much closer quarters with everyone. My dad is convinced that when we are there, food must not be consumed inside the house after dark, only at restaurants, and if it is during the day then we shall be eating together. Anyway, it’s like an alarm went off in his head, called me, I blew up and never ended up going of course. However, if I stay here I will keep going days without a shower, only leaving bed to go to the bathroom and grab food and combining alcohol with multiple benzos to see if I wake up the next day. I don’t know if this solar eclipse that we just had yesterday is related, because how lovely if our lives were governed by planets and stars, I have actually been feeling better today. Only broke down to cry about five times and three of them were because of a movie so I’m gonna go ahead and call progress when I see it. I, also booked an appointment I’ve been meaning to book for tomorrow, haven’t been taking double the benzo daily dose in one go so I’m starting to actually be able to walk less like a zombie, more like a human and I’m thinking after that to drive down to the beach house and start having an actual routine just for me and spending time outside and hopefully find a stray cat to adopt. Wish me luck!