Day 50

Enough wallowing. I’m not going to end it for now. Enough with the pills. Clearly I’m not brave enough to take a lethal dose so I’ll just carry on using them as sleeping pills, if they’ll even work for that now. I have some savings and I can be by the sea so I’ll go do that and hopefully that makes me feel better. Like the Victorian women, when they would send them to the seaside as a cure when they were being disobedient. My dad being there will most definitely not help, but it’s just a chance for me to set boundaries. It might sound cruel and like he’s trying but he’s had so many chances and he always makes at the very least no difference, but if we’re being honest, which is the whole point of this, makes everything worst. He might say he’s being supportive, he might even actually think it, but he doesn’t know the meaning of that word in the slightest sense. Last time I talked to him, or cried and yelled at him over the phone, I should say, he finally admitted my sister has being getting preferential treatment all our life. Of course he went on to say just because she asked for more stuff and got it, doesn’t mean that if I had, I wouldn’t. Flat out lie and also fully misses the point. One child was raised to expect to get everything she asks for and has absolutely no appreciation for it at all; she believes that her father owes it to her to be buying her a 20000 euro Jeep and as he admitted, of course, he will be getting it for her. And don’t get me wrong, it has nothing to do with the car, I’m not jealous of that, I feel sorry for her that at 35 she feels like her parents owe her to buy stuff, other than financially supporting her her entire life. The thing that angers me is that one child was raised thinking that the world owes her everything and the other one is the biggest people pleaser in the world. I didn’t to create any conflict with the men who coerced me into sleeping with them. Or the people who disrespected me at work. Or the people who give me the bare minimum and I couldn’t be more thankful. So, essentially I don’t consider myself worthy enough to stand up for and only allow what I really deserve. And that really needs to change. And for that to happen, I think I need to t