Day 38

I’ve been home alone with my sister, with whom we now only share polite short interactions surrounding food (since the blowout), for approximately four days now. On the day they left, I thought ‘God, this is exactly what I needed. Some time to myself, where nobody asks me if I’m okay and if and what I’ve had to eat.’ As if listing everything we have to eat and making me very aware of the obvious fact that I can order in isn’t simply infantilising but it’s supposed to make me feel cared for. As if it’s possible to replace actual warmth, empathy and understanding with factual statements stated and already answered questions asked. And it was definitely needed. And then the incident happened. I want to say it happened the second day we were home alone, right when I woke up. I was in a rush, I wanted to catch the lab open before they closed in the afternoon so I had to hurry and get ready. I get up and head to the bathroom and as I am at my bedroom door, I black out, and the next thing I know, I’m on the floor and the back of my head was sore. I still don’t know what happened but now I have a very sore bump at the back side of my head and it hurts when I sit at certain angles. So far, it’s happened twice more, where i black out for a few seconds and have to hold on to surfaces really tight. Today, I was having yet another polity aggressive conversation with my sister at the door when it happened and I unknowingly closed the door on her having had no idea I was doing it or where I was for a couple of seconds after. If I did have a concussion, I’ve survived two nights of sleep so far. Let’s see if I’ll survive the whole thing, even if it will be against my will.